"with new eyes."

so i'm 17. and i guess i don't know alot about love.

but i know a few things.

you know when you talk to someone, and they are in love, you can tell.

when you mention that one name, they smile.

and it's not because of anything.

just a name.

just the idea of a person.

when you think of someone you love, when you hear their name, you smile.

not because of the things they've done or the things they'll do, but simply because you love them.

 who they are. 

you are in love with a person, with the idea of someone. and when you strip it all down to its most basic level, action has little to do with it. you don't love someone for their actions. sure, you remember a flower, a hug, a kiss, a smile. but you don't love those things. they are simply outward factors.

it's why we cling to people we love even when they hurt us.

even when they cast us aside.

love is not action.

action demonstrates love.

but we love people for who they are

not what they do.

people say that we should try to see each morning with new eyes.

they say we should try not to judge.

i think the first moment you meet someone is the best, the most clear.

with nothing to go off of, with no reputation, no introduction, no presuppositions, you simply meet. and you're forced to see them with eyes that are untainted by past actions or future hopes. you simply see them for who they are. meet them where they are and know them as they are. 

it is the best thing.

it is untainted.

i wonder if it is the same way with God. 

maybe life would be different if we loved God simply because He is God.

not based on any actions, or any hopes.

simply meeting God in honesty

and loving Him for who He is. 

i think it would change things, maybe.

maybe we would stop hating God when things went wrong.

maybe. 

what I do believe is that we all want to be known. and loved. 

loved in the same way we are known. not by our actions, but simply as people.

intrinsically worthwhile because of who we are, not what we have done.

and I think maybe, if we all want that so much, love that so much, than maybe, just maybe, God wants it, too. 

to love with new eyes is a challenge.

take it. 

telephone lines.

sometimes i think that
telephone lines
are just snakes
meant to keep me from the
One who wants to hear from me the most.
and all these forms of communication
are simply forms of dis-unification
that keep me from the One
I need to hear from
the most.

"i can't imagine all the things you've seen..."

Nights are the hardest for me. In the hour between waking and sleeping, when I sit alone, solitary thoughts chasing their way through my tired mind. In the darkness and silence, it's so easy to forget what is right and what is true. And to remember. To remember the sickness, the despair, the pain. The crippling fall. The mistakes I have made take pleasure in parading behind my eyes. A sickening recollection. A trophy collection I have never wanted.

Time and time again I realize what is true. It strikes me in the face, or sneaks up to me on a day when everything is silenced. And time again, I forget it and go my way. And maybe I do not always stray. But I remember the times that I did. And it could, maybe, be just as bad. To torture myself, to put myself through agony. In the name of what? At times, I don't even know. Memories of pain and mistakes and heartache, the paths that I forged for myself in the past. The paths I have left behind.
I forget that although those paths bear my footprints, I have not taken them with me.

I do not presume to grasp what God wants or needs for my life. But I cannot imagine that God wants His people to live in pain. Yes, pain is necessary. Yes, pain teaches. But there is a difference between healthy, real pain and the sharp agony of regret that cripples your every step. I do not believe that God wants the past to control us. I believe He wants something more for us. I believe that's why He died - to forge a new path, a radical path. A path that tells us that we are more than the scars and the horrible mistakes, more than the lying and the tears and the filth from which we were redeemed.

In my own selfish, self-important mind, I punish myself, forgetting that my punishment has already been taken. And in the world I hear that I can never, ever be enough. That God cannot love me, or anyone, who has made mistakes. It is the grossest kind of lie. It denies the very nature of who God is. In my deepest filth and sinfulness, His forgiveness and His love are infinitely deeper. In the days I forget who He is, and turn my back, He remembers my name, and holds out His hands for when I fall.

God does not call us to live in our mistakes. To beat ourselves, to punish ourselves, to rob ourselves of all joy. God reminds us that life is more, that we were meant for more. That the Man who bled on the cross 2000 years ago died for something more than just some broken facade of forgiveness. That healing, redemption, love, and forgiveness are as real as the scars in His hands. That the things of my past, the things that haunt my fragile mind, that things that torture me at night, are no longer a part of me. Gone. Taken by the only One who comprehends true forgiveness and true mercy.

We as humans have our own ideas of what forgiveness looks like. Forgive the wrong, but still cherish it in our hearts, ready to shove back at someone. God's forgiveness looks like something more. Something better. And all it takes is for me to realize it. To let go. Of my plans and my burdens and my self-torture. Of my vices.

I am like a small child playing on the beach, trying to grasp a handful of sand in my fist. Trying to cling to my plans and my ideas of what my life is like, what my mistakes mean. Frustrated when it all slips through my fingers. Trying again and again to hold on to something that isn't meant to be held. Caught up in my own moment, I forget that the entire beach, with its infinite sand, is held in the hands of my Father.

"the secret is letting go."

I like to spent time talking with a friend of mine. Our conversations are always honest. She is easy to talk to. I remember venting to her one night, wondering if there was something wrong with me.

I keep waiting for the magic moment where I will wake up and be okay. I keep thinking that one of these days I will find that I am "over it". And then, last night it hit me - maybe I will never really be "over it." Maybe things will never be more than okay. Maybe I won't wake up and look in the mirror and love what I see there. Maybe being okay, being happy, doesn't mean that the circumstances and events in my life change. Maybe it just means accepting things for what they are.

I love art. Modern art is art that many people laugh at, but it reminds me of life. You can sit and stare and hate every abstract concept until your eyes ache, or you can look at the big picture and learn from what it is - beauty. I start to wonder if maybe life is meant to break us. Maybe we're more beautiful with our imperfections. Maybe we were made for more than wishes.

It hit me that I will never awake one day and find that I am over it. You can wake up every day hating yourself. It is an easy choice to make. I have fought that battle. I am still fighting it. And no, there hasn't been a magic moment of perfection. But I realized that it gets easier. Never perfect, but easier. It's not a knowledge that I am "over it." It's just that gradually, it gets easier, and unbearable pain fades to a dull ache. Each morning, you wake up. And you may wonder why you're alive, but I think that God must have wanted you to wake up. That's why you did.

Maybe true happiness is found in looking past the ugly and dirty. Let it go. Don't expect life to be perfect. We were made for more than this, so why should it surprise us when life disappoints us? Beauty isn't found in perfection. It's found in falling and bleeding, and losing everything, but still getting back up. Yes, you're limping. But you're walking. There is so much glory, so much joy in that. In fighting through the battle and the days and nights of agony. Today, you're alive. And there must be a reason for that. Life is hard, but there's a reason for that, too.

Tomorrow, and the next day, I will look in the mirror and probably hate what I see. But I will live with it. It's a process of fighting through the hours of pain. Perseverance. Surrender to a Hand, to a Heart that is bigger than my own. Looking for wholeness in this world will leave you empty one hundred percent of the time. We weren't made for this. There is so much more. Stop seeking perfection here on earth. Chasing it will only leave you empty. Surrender your imperfections, your broken dreams. I think that's how happiness is found.

It's a process. You will fall, again and again. And some will laugh at you and others will cry for you. But when you get back up, when you get back in the fight and run the race and work through your doubts, that is where glory and joy are found.

I have seen the damage that the world can do. I have seen the pain and devastation of broken hearts, and how healing seems like an impossible thing. There is no magic moment of perfection. There's only a gradual, slow peace that comes with letting go.

you never let go.

Life breaks us sometimes. There are moments when we are left standing in the emptiness, holding the shattered pieces of something that was once close to our hearts. There's an empty chasm inside and it seems like nothing can fill it. You fall, and there's a feeling as if nothing can catch you... that you are broken, beyond repair. They say there's hope in the darkness but in the pitch black, when you can't see your hand in front of your face, how easy is it to see hope?

Life has broken me this week. I was left grasping at alot of things and looking for answers. I searched for them in alot of places. I tried denial, I tried tears. And then, finally, the answer came to me in a song I had heard many, many times.

"Oh, no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no, you never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, you never let go, Lord, you never let go of me."

God is good. I believe that God is a god of promises. I don't believe that these promises include a break from pain on this earth. I don't believe that God promises that everything is going to be okay right here, right now. But the promise that is nearest to my heart this week is the promise that no matter what, God will not let go.

How amazing is that? The God of the universe, who formed the earth, the sky, the stars, and every person on this earth, will never let go. No matter how far we run, like the father of the prodigal son, He is waiting. Though we lose everything that once made us strong, His grace carries us through weakness. In the sickening fall, in the fear, in the darkness and the panic and the loss of all hope, there is a whisper that though everything may fall, God is holding us still. And that no matter what happens, He will never let go.

I am weak. I am insufficient. I will never be enough. I cannot deal with pain, with grief, with hurt on my own. They overwhelm me. I shut down. But in the times of heartbreak and of overwhelming brokenness, I can feel His arms around me. I can hear Him whispering.

"Be still. This too, will pass. It's only a shadow, only dust, it means nothing. There are so many greater things. I have something so much better. Trust me. I won't let you go. I won't let you fall. I'm here. Trust me. Do you really think I brought you here just to drown? There's a purpose in this. Be still, my child."

In the words of a song this week, I heard God whisper, and I felt Him wipe all my tears away. Though I am infinitely small, He is infinitely great. And in that greatness is a promise: that the God of the universe, the God who holds all things in His hands, will never let go.

Be still.

11:26 AM

a promise.

I went and had coffee with a friend tonight. She told me that I am not going crazy. She told me that all of this is to be expected, that's it's a normal part of life. And she told me something that is staying with me, something that helped me more than anything else has.
"You are going to be okay."
I guess God took that once sentence and pounded it into my head tonight.
"you are going to be okay."
It's true.

I have experienced perhaps every emotion possible over the past few weeks. I have felt anger. I have been awake at night, asking why. I have replayed memories over in my head, wondering what went wrong. I have spent hours agonizing over the same painful thoughts. I have been sick. I have been broken. I have been overwhelmed. Finally, I spent much of the past few weeks in a state of emotional apathy. It seemed as if I could really feel everything, it would tear me apart. I switched off my feelings. But tonight it was like God peeled my hand away from the switch. It is terrifying at first.
But I will be okay.

I think the whole world reassures me. It's full of imperfect people. And we all have these dreams and these plans... and they get defeated. But it's never the end. Every movie and every book ever made or written tells a story of someone who fell apart, but made it through. It's not the end. In the words of a girl named Renee: "if it was easy and if it was comfortable, than everybody would do it. but what matters is not that you fell, but that you got back up. you fall down, and all isn't lost. if this was easy, where would be the honor in that?"

It's not easy. I have fought with God and with myself every day. It is not easy to watch your dreams crumble. But it's as if God whispers to me:
"It's been so long since you let me have control. Do you trust me? Do you really trust me? Have I ever let you down before?"

The head knowledge has always come easy for me. I know the facts. I think most of us do. But the trusting, the blind faith in the times of despair, has always been difficult for me to grasp. I tend to cling to the things I love. With one hand, I offer God the shell of my life, but I have always held back what truly matters. I have realized that it takes pain and breaking to restore trust. There is no beauty without redemption.

I was reminded tonight that it is okay to feel, to mourn. Brokenness is not the end. Grief is okay. I am alive. Broken, but alive. Healing. There is beauty in healing. In promises.

I've noticed that life never slows down for us. We break down, but the days continue. I think it is God's way of reminding us that there is more. That tomorrow is a new day. The road doesn't end simply because you crashed. The book doesn't end just because one chapter is over.

I'm alive. I will be okay. Maybe not now. Maybe not for awhile. But someday. There is beauty in the fall. In the breaking. In the promise.

There's a line from a song by something corporate that has been running through my mind all night: "why do you leave these stories unfinished?" i don't understand the why. but my story isn't finished yet. there's a strange peace in my heart. my mind is settled like it hasn't been in weeks. there is pain, but there is growth and healing and a new understanding. i have no idea what God is doing, but for once, that's enough.

tonight, i'm alive. i will be okay.

oceans.

I went to the ocean today. It is one of my favorite things. There's something about the ocean that makes me think, that makes me wonder. Thoughts come easy in the roar of the tide and the sweeping waves.

There's a line that Jamie Tworkowski quotes in his blog:
"I'm starting to believe that the ocean is much like You, because it gives and it takes away." I have been reminded of that quote this week, but the ocean pounded it home.

There's a line in a Switchfoot song: "All my sandcastles spend their time collapsing." On the ocean, we often build castles. And then we watch, with a sentimental sadness, as the ocean sweeps them away. It's kind of like life, I guess.

I lost a sandcastle this week. It's easy to question why. To wonder when you look at the pieces and emptiness where something real, something important once stood.
"But God, why? I wanted that. I needed it."
And it's funny, I can almost hear God laughing.
"Since when do you really know what you want and what you need? I have something so much better. Just trust me, ok? Let me show you."

Waves have always mystified me. I love jumping in them. I love the feel of them rushing past. When you're deep in the water, you can jump into the waves. There's a moment when you feel weightless, when the wave sweeps you backward and you lose your footing. It's like when God changes something in life. We all have these grand illusions, these dreams, and then God comes and sweeps them away. And you have a choice: you can either fight the wave, or you can jump with it. But no matter what you choose, the wave is greater than you.

A wave came into my life early this week. It was easy to fight and to question. But at the beach, I was reminded that if you only trust, if you only jump, that wave will carry you further than you could ever dream.

I'm jumping. I'm trusting. In the midst of pain and worry, the ocean reminds me not to doubt. That this sweeping away of my plans just means God has something different planned. Different, but better. It's what is best and I'm excited for it.

One castle of mine is gone, but there's a whole beach full of sand, and God is inviting me to come and watch Him build castles by the ocean.